Things have been more than a little off lately. I feel…well, I feel a lot of things all at once. The weight of uncertainty, the fear of not knowing what my future holds. The feeling of being lost and directionless. It’s overwhelming at times.
I recently came to the realization that I have no “thing” no one thing I am super good at or super into that I want to do with my life. I don’t have a dream job. I don’t even have a hobby I’m passionate about. It’s a scary thought, to not know what I want to do with my life. It’s like being stuck in a never-ending maze, searching for the one thing that will make me feel fulfilled.
Then I realized it was partly because I didn’t plan to make it this far as a kid. I never believed I would see 25 let alone 37. I was convinced suicide or drugs would take me early on. So I never made a plan or found a thing to put my all into that wasn’t self-destructive. It’s a sad truth to face, that I didn’t believe I would live this long. It’s a harsh reminder of the struggles I’ve been through and the demons I’ve had to fight.
I have always just done the things that have come my way but still let me feel like I am a functioning member of society, so jobs have tended to easily be found. But, I want to feel passionate about something, and to have a sense of purpose.
” The tragedy of life is not death, but what we let die inside of us while we live”Norman Cousins