I pride myself on being very open and honest about my life. The things I have done no matter how fucked up they were. I am just a human though and there are topics I tend to keep away from.
I know it sounds crazy. I have told you all so much already, what could I possibly tiptoe around and why?
Well to be honest some of it is because I am not fully capable of talking about some of this stuff without causing myself some mental distress. Some of it is not really being able to make words make sense around the said topic.
One of those things is Samantha. Now I know I have spoken of her in a few of my early posts but that was about as far as it went. I introduced her and then kind of wandered away from the topic. (https://brandyclear.com/?s=Samantha)
Being able to deal with that part of my mental health has gotten easier for me to do but talking about it openly is something I still haven’t been able to accomplish. I do not hide it and if it is brought up I will do my best to maintain a conversation but at some point it becomes overwhelming and I steer the conversation elsewhere.
I also stay away from the topic of my father.
Except for one post I wrote a while back ( https://brandyclear.com/mental-health/to-the-man-i-never-talk-about/).
It was vague and uninformative. The topic of him still makes my stomach turn.
The physical, emotional, and sexual abuse I endured from this man just sends me into a fucked up headspace I have no desire to be in. A headspace I have worked VERY hard to stay away from.
It sounds a lot like avoidance and I am aware of that. Honestly, some of it is. There is still a part of me that is perfectly content with stuffing those issues into a corner and acting as though they never mattered.
The other part of me can talk about it if the situation requires it like it never affected me for a second. Those are the moments when I am talking about it to help someone else understand that they are not alone or at fault.
Both of these are things I will work my way up to opening up about. It is important in both my healing and growth. As a person and an advocate for others.
All that effort,” he mused, “merely to avoid me. How gratifying.
Shana Abé – The Smoke Theif