It’s hard when your terrible at verbal communication. When you have so many thoughts and feeling but no words that make sense. I’ve always been much better and writing things out than I have been at talking them out.

Sometimes I write very much like I talk, in a topic hoping ramble but my feelings are much better expressed that way. My tones don’t always match my feelings and its frustrating. When you can’t logically verbally communicate your feelings relationships get real hard real quick.

Between not being able to ask for the right kind of help in school to not being able to explain to my mother why for the 15th time this week I am so angry I could break everything in sight. My thoughts and feelings were always chaos which made expressing them just as chaotic.

The more I would try to get the words out the more jumbled and nonsensical it all came out. This made it hard for people to fully understand what my issue at the time was. It also frustrated them into giving up and not wanting to hear what I had to say.

I remember a few times being so upset that I couldn’t get the words out and my mom and I were fighting again that I sat down and wrote to her and tried to explain myself that way. My mom was very receptive to that and even wrote back instead of just getting mad that I wrote instead of talked.

Those moments with my mother laid a foundation for me to turn to writing to others about my issues when I couldn’t put things together verbally. Over the years I have written letters to those I love(d) that I was at a crossroads with. Not everyone understands or excepts this as an appropriate form of communication especially after a fight.

Usually the fight is a thing because nothing I want to communicate is coming out correctly and now we are screaming at one another and the situation is just getting worse.

I have come across those that feel like me writing my response to said fight is my way of not talking about it or admitting my own wrong doing ( even while the pages are filled with my wrong doing). Others though have realized that this is exactly how I wanted our first conversation to go but due to my internal chaos it did not.

This is something I still struggle with regularly. The inability to find and use my verbal communication skills in a beneficial way especially in moments of high emotion. So in those moments I pull out the old pen and paper and express what needs to be expressed.

“The irrationality of a thing is not an argument against its existence, rather, a condition of it -Friedrich Nietzsche