People always tend to point out the good in someones life when they are at a low point. This is meant to be (most times) helpful and reflective.
The problem with pointing out the sun to some one who is sad is that they don’t see the same sun you do. We always seem to forget that when we are playing the “well at least its not” game.
It wasn’t always raining in my world but when it was I was the only one to notice it. It was never as bad as I was making it out to be. I was always dramatic and over the top with things. That’s what they’ve always told me. Part of that is my fault. I was never brave enough to try to explain why these things was such a big deal. I was just pissed off no one else could see it on their own.
I had gotten to a point where the only peace I could get is when I was bleeding. I would find myself in the bathroom late at night while the house slept just dragging the razor down my leg, and stopping the blood before it hit the floor. The house would shift I would panic, clean it all up and scurry back to my room like I hadn’t been awake for hours.
I would then lay awake for hours. Touching the hot spots of the fresh cuts. or laying cuts side down for the pressure as I finally tried to sleep. I would get up in and re-bandage myself to get through the school day all to come home and do it all over.
Eventually I stopped waiting to get home. I had started taking the razor blades out of the disposable razors I used to shave my legs. They were super tiny and way easy to hide. I took them every where. Any time the feelings faded too far or the rage screamed too loud I was off in a quite place watching all the pain and anxiety flow away with the blood.
My heart rate would steady and my hand would stop shaking, I could breath. Day to day life was becoming too much. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk trough a whole day and not find myself some place with my razor out and the feelings just flowing..
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.” – Stephen King