Calming the regret with pain

After spilling my guts about Samantha to Ms. Jessica I felt worse than I had before.

It wasn’t who I had told that had caused me so much concern it was just the fact that I had done it. I didn’t like talking about Samantha and she didn’t like me talking about her. Especially to someone like Ms. Jessica. People like her have way more power than they like to admit.

I had no idea what Ms. Jessica was going to do with all the stuff I just dumped out on her office couch but I was absolutely terrified to find out. Getting back to the cottage late meant I got away with going right to my room with no one bitching at me for it, so off to my room, I went with not so much as a hello as I hurried down the hall.

I sat on my bed in the dark for what felt like forever and all I could hear was my heart pounding and Samantha screaming at me. I couldn’t take it anymore I stood up flipped the light on and just stared at my desk and suddenly I saw it.

A paperclip.

Just sitting there holding my homework together. I had this sudden calm wash over me as I pulled it from the papers. It took me .1 seconds to unfold it and start digging into my leg. It had been so long since I had used anything other than a razor that I had forgotten how much things like paperclips hurt.

I welcomed not only the pain but the relief it brought with it. I spent most of the night seeing just how far I could dig that paperclip into my leg. When moring came I got up and ready for the day just like any other day. No one around me had any idea what I had done and with something as common as a paperclip.

I found comfort with this one paperclip for quite some time a comfort I hadn’t realized I had missed so much.

“It’s as if you’ve tripped and the moment where you don’t know if you are going to catch yourself or not. That’s how I feel all day.” – Unknown

Brandy Clear

Brandy Clear is a Smart, Beautiful and Creative woman. She has journeyed the world in the darkest and happiest of places. She is now on a mission to reach out and help others by telling her story and showing people there is light at the end of even the darkest tunnels.

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