14 years ago on this day, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. I placed my son for adoption.

I know I have talked about that day and the feelings and procedures and whatnot, one of the things I have yet to talk about is how it affects me today, 14 years later.

This morning started much like any other…I woke up I made coffee talked to Travus and headed outside for my morning cigarette and as I sat on the porch starting the day that day the one that seems like lifetimes ago flooded me.

I can remember every detail of that day. All the feelings all the thoughts all of it. As the flood comes in I open the dam without hesitation. I do not fight any of it, not anymore.

I cry as I listen to the same song I listen to every year on this day (https://open.spotify.com/track/63cqbzNzjOHLtZWEFroY9e) and as the lyrics break my heart they also open me up to all the amazing things that have happened in all these years.

The amazing love and support form all of those involved and how I may not be right there with him every step of the way I am still an active part of his life. I have had the blessing of watching him grow and to bond with him in ways 14 years ago I didn’t think would ever be possible.

Although I wake with heartache and sadness, my day quickly turns to one of thankfulness and love. I still have hard moments. I miss him every single day and a little more when days like today hit. I also have never-ending love and support from not only his family but him as well. I am forever thankful for this day heartache and all for it has lead me down one of the most beautiful roads I have ever traveled ❤

Happy Birthday JB I love you to the moon and back❤❤

Had I loved my son any less, one ounce less, he would be here with me now. My love for him was the only thing that could enable me to break my own heart

-Tamra, Birth Mother
About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

View Articles