Sometimes with I worry that people read all these things I post and then take a look at some of the stuff I am doing now and just think I am all better.
Unfortunately, that is not even close to real life. Yes, I am sober and have been for a long time, yet there are days where I long for the escape that dope offered me. That overwhelmingly calm sense of peace that would overtake me. There are days even now 13 years later that I long for it like I just used yesterday.
I have learned ways to cope with my anger and depression that are much better for me than picking up a razor blade is but from time to time I still find myself alone in the bathroom cleaning the familiar mess.
I have found a beautiful light that surrounds that darkness that so desperately calls my name but I still have days where I want to end it all. Moments where I feel like it’s not worth getting up and fighting that fight.
There are still mornings where I wake up and my first thought is “fuck I am awake”. The struggles I have faced and overcome are things I face and overcome regularly.
That is what life with mental illness is, it is a continuous fight to stay alive and not give in the darkness inside of yourself.
It is not a fight I always win. Some days the manic lows are too much for me and I get sucked into the darkness so fast that I forget which way the light is. Other days I feel it coming and can readjust my thoughts to help me stay in the light that I have fought so hard to be in.
I am not always okay but I never stop fighting to get back to where I need to be when I slip. It is not easy and some times it takes me longer than I would like to find that light I know is there but I always find it.
I remind myself I have been here before I know this cold familiar place and I know there is warmth on the other end I just have to make it there.
“The walls of her room are screaming out loud all of the secrets that she’s held onto for all these years, every tear that broke her heart and slashed her wrist, and every memory that rips apart her soul. And to this day, she still can’t breathe.” —Anonymous
