My trouble making started out small. Talking back, foul language that sort of thing. I had been caught smoking a cigarette or two by this point which earned me things like no rec time and early lights out.

This didn’t bother me so much as I had really wanted as much alone time as I could get. In school though I wasn’t do too bad. I was going to class and keeping up with my school work so that was a plus.

I had a night staff I got along great with and although it was her job to prevent me from doing things such as smoking she never did. She would give me an all clear door knock after her first set of bed checks so I could sneak into the bathroom and smoke a cigarette before I laid down.

Sleep was next to impossible for me at this time in my life. My fears and nightmares kept me awake for days at a time and once someone caught on it was off to the shrinks office to find a medication to put me to sleep.

I hated medication and didn’t want to take it. I had been off medication since the summer that ended my 7th grade year and had no desire to go back to it.

It was a fight to get me to take the medication and a lot of times I would claim to already be tired and not in need of it and depending on the night staff I could get away with it a few days a week.

Not too long after my behavior started to slip I pulled a stunt that got me into a ton of trouble. I stole a pair of scissors and went into the bathroom and cut all my hair off. I was angry and frustrated and that was how I chose to handle it.

No one was really upset that I had cut my hair it was the fact that I was able to get away with scissors that quickly and be unaccounted for long enough to do so uninterrupted.

In my opinion that wasn’t a poor refection of me but of the staff that were supposed to be paying attention to me and they saw it that way too which is why there were so upset.

There was no covering this up. The higher ups would know that I wasn’t being supervised appropriately the moment they saw me. Although I did get into trouble for my stunt I wasn’t even mad about it mostly because I knew they were about to be in way more trouble than me.

I was starting to show off a little of what I was capable of and it would soon turn into a full fledged rage storm that no one was ready for.

“What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?” – Soren Kierkegaard

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

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