I had been getting the pictures and letters in the mail weekly ( sometimes twice a week) for what seemed like an eternity. In real time it was only a couple of months but so much seemed to be happening.

The agency had finally asked me about meeting with my son and his parents, face to face. I was immediately terrified. My anxiety was in overdrive and I didn’t know what to say. As usual I was told to take my time and let them know when I was ready.

I knew if I kept putting it off I would talk myself out of it every time. So I told them I was ready. I wanted to meet them and see my son again.

I couldn’t sleep the night before. The fear and excitement were too much for my body to just turn off and sleep through. That morning I probably changed my clothes 5,0000 times. Did and redid my hair and tried as hard as I could not to throw up from fear alone.

All the way to the agency all I could think about was what they would think of me. Would they just see a drug addict that put an innocent life at risk? Would they even really care to know who I am? Did I make a huge mistake by doing this…was I setting myself up for failure…?

I remember getting there before they did which made the fear just a bit more intense. I was escorted to the family room and I waited for them to arrive. When they arrived I was told they would take Jacob to the nursery to give Dana, Wayne and I some time to talk first.

The moment they entered the room the tears began to pour from all of our faces. The 3 of us hugged while we cried. We sat there for what seemed like hours just looking at one another and crying. Dana and Wayne just repeating the words Thank you as we all tried to compose ourselves enough to have a conversation.

I remember them asking if I was ready to see Jacob and I don’t even think I let them finish the question before yes spilled out of my mouth.

I will never forget the moment they walked in with him and handed him to Dana. The way she looked at him with nothing but pure love, Wayne right at her side glowing with pride. At that very moment I knew for sure that I had made the right decision. I knew that Jacob was right where he was meant to be.

As I held him in my own arms I told him how much I loved him and how happy I was to see him. Although my time with him that day flew by the love from that day forever fills my heart.

“He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood.” -Desha Wood

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

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