Most times my crazy rolls in like a storm. There is a chill in the air and the skies slowly darken as it all builds and in one fell swoop it all comes rushing out soaking everything around me
There times however where this just happens. There is no change in the air, no warning. Just a violent storm of emotions I can’t control or place. I have these moments where everything feels wrong and overwhelming. In the interest of being transparent, this is an episode I am currently going through.
I am hoping writing about it while it is happening will not only help someone also going through it but help me get through it.
Everything feels off and broken. I don’t feel like I am good enough or doing good enough. I feel like I am failing myself and everyone around me. I am barely holding on and I have no idea why. My chest is heavy with sadness and I cry randomly for no real reason but once I start I feel the need to sob uncontrollably but I don’t I just let a few tears out and swallow the rest down.
I keep telling myself I am okay but I am not.
Right now everything is dark and dripping with doom. I wake up and just don’t want to do it. I am weak and tired and overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks. Noise is too loud lights are too bright and everyday crap is just too much.
I want to talk about it but I can’t seem to get the weight off my chest.
I find myself overwhelmed with the desire to do absolutely nothing, even when there is so much I know should be done.
I find myself hyper-focused on whatever struggle has found its way to the foreground of my thoughts even though the said struggle is not anything I can’t handle or haven’t previously dealt with.
The weight of this just sits directly on the middle of my chest.
The overwhelming emotion that comes with this is like lighting through my body…burning and uncontrolled. The pressure builds as my skies darken and without warning comes the violent rain.
Sometimes this rain comes in the form of physical response crying yelling throwing shit way back in the day I would get physically violent with just about anyone. That hasn’t happened in a long time now. Which is definitely no small accomplishment. Sometimes that rain comes in the form of an internal response and I find myself shutting down and pushing people away.
There are times where I can manage the storm in a way. I can have my breakdown but still, keep my life together. A lot of people tell me that is basically how I handle everything life throws at me I have a breakdown and then carry on. But what people don’t seem to understand is there is a difference between feeling like your carrying on and being told you’re carrying on.
When I am trapped in the storm it is something I need to feel not hear. There are times when the only way to feel it is to make it through the storm and to be honest those are some of the hardest times. I don’t always know if I will make it out to the other side of the storm and that can be unnerving but is also just a fact of my mental illness.
These stormy times make me wish to be normal like everyone else, but that thought instantly makes me think of my favorite quote…..
Normal is an illusion. What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly.~ Morticia Addams