Just like in any good story my story contains a villain. If you have been following along your reading this and internally saying “well duh there’s been a few”.
The villain I am referring to is the one it takes us all the longest to see. But in this story, that villain comes with a mind fuck…
The biggest villain in my story the one that’s there every step of the way is me. It’s me. I stand in my own way more often than not. Even now.
I have always known this. I have also admitted this more than just now. The reason I bring it up now is because it is an extremely relevant part of what I am going through right now. I know I have touched on some of the things I am struggling with over the last few months with different things I have posted. This time is different tho. I can usually work my way out of this fog and find my ground and do awesome things, at least for a little while.
I have not been able to find any solid ground to move forward on. Every time I start to think about what I want and how I am going to get there I freeze. Every single bad thing that could ever happen beings to flood my mind and I get overwhelmed panic and distract myself with something completely irrelevant to my everyday life ( like 30-year-old cold case files insert face palm here). No this is not something I have never experienced before its actually quite normal for me.
I can usually work past the bullshit and get myself ready to kick life’s ass even if it’s going to be hard, not this time though. This time I stuck in this place of paralyzing fear. It’s like when you’re so scared and you open your mouth to scream but nothing comes out. When you’re so scared you can’t run you just stand there trying not to pee.
This has been slowly building for a while now. It is part of the reason I have been so shitty at posting here compared to how I started. I think about it but then I worry about saying things just right and not telling stories that are going to cause me issues with people who may follow the blog for whatever reasons. So I would put it off and put it off. Come up with other things that needed to be done. Just not do it.
I haven’t been stuck like this in a really long time and it has taken me months to figure out what the hell is wrong with me but I am finally figuring out what is triggering my crazy and am slowly working on ways to ease those concerns so I can start living my life again because whatever this shit I am doing now is is not working for me.
I am capable, I am enough, I’m a bad bitchMadam Adam