Recently in a session with my counselor, she had asked me what Manic Brandy looks like. My instant response was a scoof sound and then I had to ask a question of my own…

High manic or low?

See when people think of a manic episode it is always a low where the manic party is in a dark place with lots of bad feelings and reactions. That is not always the case. I have highs similar to bipolar disorder, not always as impulsive ( it can happen tho) or extreme as with bipolar but they are there.

I have times where I feel like I am doing a great job and kicking ass at life. Work is good and fulfilling and I feel productive. My family is closer than ever and I have great friends that I reach out to often. Going out and being social comes with ease and no hesitations.

During these times change is good and welcomed with open arms. I can do anything I put my mind to. I have thrived in these highs with really positive outcomes throughout my life.

To people who don’t often deal with me for long periods of time, I just look like an outgoing helpful person. Someone who knows how to take charge and get shit done.

Those that know me well though always watch for the extreme of the high. If I am too high it’s a good chance that the low that surly will follow will be a deep one. Just like my highs, my lows can be just enough or too much.

I know what my issues are. I have had them for a really long time and for most of it I have been too stubborn to medicate or talk to anyone. I preferred to deal with most things in the trauma department on my own and not always in healthy ways.

When you force yourself to deal with yourself you pick up on shit pretty quick. You start to notice when the highs pick up or drop off. When the low is going to be reasonable and you can just get through it. You learn to talk yourself back to level ground. Sometimes are easier than others.

“I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.”

― Nicole Lyon, Hush