In my last few posts, I have talked a lot about fear and my unbalanced mental health. These things have been very much the center of my world these last few months.
I have been so unhappy and unable to find a way to make things better. I have had myself convinced that I am broken to the point that I will never be able to just live a happy life. I have pushed so much of myself aside and just run on autopilot for what feels like forever now.
After lots of long in-depth talks with My shrink, counselor, and Travus along with other family and friends I have come to the realization that I am comfortable in life but unhappy.
I like my apartment and where I live. My neighbors aren’t that bad and to be honest my landlord is an amazing woman with who I have had zero issues the whole time I have lived here. My job is well my job anyone who knows me knows how unhappy I am there but I have been doing it a long time and I am good at it so, in all honesty, I’m comfortable there. I have lived in New York my entire life, for the sake of transparency I have lived in the same 20-mile radius my entire life, I am comfortable here. I am not happy though.
I have made the decision to move to Texas at the end of October. I want and need growth and something new in my life. I have told all the important people in my life and I have had mixed reactions. Not everyone was a supportive as I would have liked and some hardly reacted. I was able to have a couple of real open talks with those closest to me. I have had to hear some harsh things and had to look at the situation from a different light to fully understand the other side of things.
My little sister is well my everything. She has been by my side from her very first day until now whether I have wanted her there or not. Even at my most undeserving times, she showered me with love and support. She saw things in me that no one else ever did. She gave me more chances than she ever should have. She suffered at my hands for YEARS. Physically and emotionally but she never gave up on me, never walked away.
Then it slowly started to happen. I got off the drugs and very slowly started getting my shit together. It was not a pain-free experience for anyone involved. Right now I am doing the best I have ever done. I have a full-time job and apartment that I pay for not a place I stay where someone else pays the rent. I even have healthy hobbies! Definitely in the best place, I have ever been in my whole life and now I am leaving.
I am taking the person who she has waited 30+ years to have as a sister and just up and leaving.
I didn’t think about that, and when I did it broke my heart. We talked. I told her I wasn’t leaving her I was just growing. No one will ever take her place not ever it isn’t even possible I promise. She will forever be my first call for anything. She is still sad and would change my mind if she thought she could but she loves me and just wants me to be happy.
These next 8 weeks are going to be some of the most chaotic, stressful days and I may not be as prepared as I like to think I am but I know that if I could do all the shit I have been doing then I can do this. Fear will not stop me this time. I am ready to be uncomfortable for a little bit. I am ready to find something that gives me the joy I long for.
I am fully aware that life becomes routine and that some of my issues here could very well be issues there. If they are I cross that bridge when I get there. It’s a big country and there is no written law saying I can’t pack up and move once a year if I so choose. What I do know is I will never know if I don’t try.
The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change.
William Arthur Ward