I had taken a break from finding comfort in a razor for awhile at this point, mostly because I was in lock up and had no time or way to get away with it.
The night had given me nothing but reason and opportunity. I knew it wasn’t long after I took off that everyone knew I was gone and the hunt was on. My mother knew by now for sure and that just meant my boyfriends mom would know just as quickly.
It’s the first place they will look for me, it’s the only place I had to go.
As my boyfriend slept beside me in the dark I found my way out of bed and into the basement. There on the dirty couch I sat in the room lit by black lights and lava lamps, alone.
I spent an hour on that couch just cutting and cutting until my leg was so numb I couldn’t feel the blood dripping anymore. I spent the next hour cleaning myself and surroundings up and disposing of any evidence of what had just happened.
I crawled back into bed and laid directly on the damaged side of my body. The pain was so intense it caused me to inhale sharply. My breathe slow and shaky on the exhale brought a calm I had been longing for.
I spent the night wide awake adjusting and readjusting my body weight to inflict the most pain possible. I made sure to sneak out once or twice to change bandages and what not. I didn’t want to have to explain blood stains.
In the wee hours of the morning my boyfriend got up and out the back door we went. His mom still not awake and still clueless to the nights events, we had plenty of time to come up with a plan.
Me I had plenty of time to feed off the clam the pain brought with every step I took.
“To be sane in a world of madman is in itself madness.” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau
