I couldn’t seem to let go of the rage that was still swimming through me even weeks after my blow up. I had no real reason at this point to feel so angry but that wasn’t abnormal for me; rage without reason.

I had faced this problem so many times before but never really had a reason to kept it inside. Then the recipients of my anger were my family members and peers. Now I couldn’t do that my family wasn’t close enough and well lashing out at my peers would do more harm than I could deal with.

So with that being that I decided to do what I do best and take it out on myself. I was better at it anyway and it would cause fewer problems for me since I could hide what I was doing.

I knew I could get my hands on simple things, paperclips, staples things like that but I needed something more. I was able to get a shaving razor from one of the girls that had snuck some in from a visit, she just gave it to me no questions asked. All that was said was “If you get caught with it it’s on you leave me out of it” I agreed and went on my way.

I waited until Night staff arrived as she didn’t bother to check on us as often as she probably should have so I knew I would have time to dismantle the razor and hide the evidence.

Taking a disposable razor apart is a pain in the ass and its not something you can rush. One false move and you now have a finger or thumb sliced wide open and bleeding everywhere. That definitely wasn’t something I needed to deal with at this point.

Getting caught meant suicide watch, which meant you either went to the alternative living unit which is basically a bunch of rooms with beds and nothing else and someone sits outside the door all day; or someone followed you around constantly until they were sure you wouldn’t hurt yourself.

As someone who prefers to be left alone, I wanted no part of any of that. So I carefully went about my business got rid of the pieces that needed to be gone and hid the rest. I laid down that night a little calmer knowing it was there when I needed it.

“Deep into that darkness peering long, stood there wondering fearing” doubting.
Edgar Allan Poe

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

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