I had no desire to leave this dark place I had found comfort in.
All the things that were wrong with me were perfectly okay here. This was where every bad thought or feeling I had ever had lived. Nothing around me made any real difference to me for a long time or at least what felt like a long time.
I had an ability to mentally and verbally abuse the people around me that was scary, like psychopath scary. I would say anything and everything if I knew it would cause the person in front of me pain. I had zero remorse when all was said and done unless otherwise forced.
I was so full of hatred that I didn’t have a second thought before causing myself or others harm in one way or another. I knew that the head space I had found myself in was not a healthy or safe one. It was the only place I felt peace and so I stayed.
The rage had grown so strong that I just let it consume me and I was slowly becoming a monster, I could feel it I just could’t stop it. I would go out of my way to verbally attack someone and when that wasn’t enough I would physically lash out at those around me. Mostly my sisters.
At this point I had begun to learn the difference between my mothers consequences and the outside worlds, I preferred my mothers.
I had found a new home with the demons I had spent my earlier years trying to run and hide from. I found this place were we had found common ground and they weren’t so scary any more. They were just me, the dark parts of me.
It wouldn’t take long however for that darkness inside me to lead me down a road far from the consequences of my mother.
“The root of suffering is attachment.” -Buddha
