It wasn’t long into my high schools days that I had become more than anyone could handle.

I had met a boy that I was “in love” with and at 16 that’s a huge deal. Of course my mother didn’t like him and we were too you and all that good stuff. So I did what most girls that age do, I snuck around to see him outside of school.

I would meet him at the park by my house as often as I could. We weren’t really doing anything wrong just hanging out. I mean we smoked weed but that was nothing compared to the things I was doing on my own.

At one point I had run away from home and stayed with him for like 3 weeks one summer. My mom knew where I was but she couldn’t really force me to come home I was 16 and back then they didn’t push runaways at that age to go home. Although I was some place she didn’t want me to be I was safe and that much she knew.

It didn’t take long after returning home for me to become that monster I felt growing inside of me. I was angry and didn’t want to be at home but some things had come to light while I was gone and it was best for everyone if I came home so I did.

I wasn’t allowed to see the boyfriend as punishment for running away and I wasn’t happy about it at all so I started doing something that turned out to be way more dangerous then I had ever imagined.

I had started putting my sleeping meds into my moms drinks at night so she would fall asleep and I could sneak out. I had a whole plan in affect.

I would leave a change of clothes and a book in the downstairs hallway so I could change out of my pjs when I left and then back in them when I returned, The book was so I had an excuse to be outside “Oh I was reading in the yard”. Back then we still had the newspaper delivered to the house so I would come up with it on days I had forgotten to grab a book.

This went on for a time, until one day my mother almost died. My medication I was putting in her drinks over time started to affect the medication she was already on and started to cause a lot of issues for her medically.

It was never my intention to harm my mother. I had no idea that would happen and lucky for me my mom knew that, she knew I hadn’t set out to hurt her and she made it clear to everyone involved.

I had never felt so bad about anything I had ever done before. I couldn’t believe that I almost took my own mother’s life.

The police wanted to charge me and my mother just wanted to help me, and I just wanted to watch the world burn.

“I do not speak as I think, I do not think as I should, and so it all goes on in helpless darkness.” -Franz Kafka

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

View Articles