Stacy losing the boys like that was the first time I had really seen and or felt the loss of drug addiction. Although it wasn’t my loss I still felt it in my gut.

This however didn’t stop me from doing my drugs I just went back to not doing them at home. I wanted Stacy to get her shit together and get her boys back so I kept my stuff out of the house. I didn’t want to be the cause of failure.

It didn’t take long for Stacy to stop going to her appointments and staying clean. She just couldn’t seem to put it down. After what seemed like years ( it was just months long hazy months) the courts and the system gave up on Stacy and told her she wouldn’t be getting her boys back and they would enter foster care.

She was given opportunity as they did the legal stuff to get it together and stop this all from happening, she just used it as an excuse to do more drugs. Things between her and Tom slowly got worse as well.

One night as we all slept there was a banging on the door in the middle of the night. It was the police. You see that restraining order was still in effect and someone called saying they knew he was there and they heard yelling. So as they do the cops came and as a result Tom was carted off to jail once again.

It didn’t take long for him to get out and have the restraining order lifted but this didn’t help things from falling apart at all.

I was pretty much always high at this point. If it wasn’t mine it was Becca’s or Joe’s. I had begun to split my time between my house with Tom, Stacy, Becca and Joe and the dope house where I could get greedy with my stash.

I had a son at this point he was less than a year old and I hadn’t seen him in months. I knew it wasn’t right but I knew he was safe and taken care of. I wasn’t good for him and I had no right to be around him or my own mother in the condition I was in so I stayed away popping in once and awhile like I hadn’t gone anywhere.

In these moments I thought myself a better mother than Stacy because at least my son never saw me like that. Never watched me do drugs and I never not once held him while high. At the same time I felt just as terribly as she looked because I knew that my lack of bonding with my son was just as terrible.

I knew that I should be there with him. Helping my mom. Being a mom. I also knew that I wasn’t capable and that, that was MY excuse to use.

“Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, man is no more.” – Nikola Tesla