At some point I had pretty much just moved into the darkness full time. I wasn’t happy about anything ever and I was looking for attention in all the wrong places.

I would pick fights just to have a reason to feel as angry as I did. I didn’t want to do anything except set fire to the world around me and watch it slowly burn. Those thoughts and feelings made me just a bit uneasy with myself and the cutting got out of control quickly.

I was running out of room regularly at this point so I had gone from using one leg to using two; even then I was still cutting more than I should have been and space was filling faster than it was healing. I knew in a way that I was in trouble, but it didn’t seem to matter.

I had found so much comfort in this darkness I didn’t seem to have any desire to acknowledge that sinking feeling I had. I had recently rediscovered the overwhelming calm I received from causing myself pain instead of causing others pain. The idea itself was odd to me. For awhile now I had been so focused on the outward expression of my rage that I had forgotten that inward explosion could be so calming.

I had turned all the rage to me and had no intention of turning it outward anytime soon and least not that I could see at the time. I seemed to have less outside issues if I was taking things out on myself. I liked having less outside issues, it was pretty much all I liked.

I had built this mental prison out of darkness and found comfort in its walls for what felt like an eternity.

“I felt that I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow.”  -Edgar Allan Poe

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

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