I am easily overwhelmed by the busy world around me, I always have been; well for as long as I can remember anyway. I’m kind of like a sponge but I soak in everything around me. The lights, noise, smells, feelings all of it and all at once; it’s terrifying.
I also get this way with my own feelings and thoughts. I let them consume me and I become overwhelmingly anxious. It is at these times that I search for solitude.
This would be one of my number one excuses to spend the whole day sitting on the floor of the dope house doing what I did best. There were times I didn’t leave the dope house for days at a time. Not that it mattered if I left and went “home” I was just trading one dope house for another the only difference was there was no dope man on hand.
I would spend days at a time in this drugged-out state so unaware of my everyday life sometimes I didn’t even know what day it was or how long I had been high. I was on one of these binges the first time I ever overdosed.
I wasn’t sure exactly how long it had been since that last bag so I assumed it had been too long. I remember getting all the stuff ready and tying off. I remember the shoot and the initial rush of it all flowing through me, but then nothing it just goes black.
The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital unsure of why and how I got there. I remember refusing to talk to anyone. I remember the police officer practically begging me to talk to him and let him help me. I remember the Dr telling me how they found me outside, alone on the sidewalk. They told me I had overdosed and could have died. I was 19.
An adult and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me from walking out of that hospital, that’s exactly what I did. My next stop……The dope house.
“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?” -Irvine Welsh