I am easily overwhelmed by the busy world around me, I always have been; well for as long as I can remember anyway. I’m kind of like a sponge but I soak in everything around me. The lights, noise, smells, feelings all of it and all at once; it’s terrifying.

I also get this way with my own feelings and thoughts. I let them consume me and I become overwhelmingly anxious. It is at these times that I search for solitude.

This would be one of my number one excuses to spend the whole day sitting on the floor of the dope house doing what I did best. There were times I didn’t leave the dope house for days at a time. Not that it mattered if I left and went “home” I was just trading one dope house for another the only difference was there was no dope man on hand.

I would spend days at a time in this drugged-out state so unaware of my everyday life sometimes I didn’t even know what day it was or how long I had been high. I was on one of these binges the first time I ever overdosed.

I wasn’t sure exactly how long it had been since that last bag so I assumed it had been too long. I remember getting all the stuff ready and tying off. I remember the shoot and the initial rush of it all flowing through me, but then nothing it just goes black.

The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital unsure of why and how I got there. I remember refusing to talk to anyone. I remember the police officer practically begging me to talk to him and let him help me. I remember the Dr telling me how they found me outside, alone on the sidewalk. They told me I had overdosed and could have died. I was 19.

An adult and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me from walking out of that hospital, that’s exactly what I did. My next stop……The dope house.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?” -Irvine Welsh

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

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