I had this natural unbalance inside of me and I hadn’t yet found a way to steady it. I struggled with all the confusion inside me but still refused to really talk about it with anyone.

I had started. To a one-point when I opened up about Samantha, but I felt instantly negative about it as soon as it was over and just went back to my vague responses to most questions.

Most of the time this was considered me being difficult and I guess part of me was but part of it was not being able to explain any of the stuff happening inside me without sounding completely bat shit crazy.

That is where my writing came in.

Probably one of the safest coping methods I had a and kid. When I would write I would write it all every bit of it. In all its nonsensical ways. I held nothing back at all.

When I started writing it was just for me. Just to get it out of me and let go of its weight. At first, I would write and then rip them up into tiny pieces and move on.

As I got older I kept a journal (like most teenage girls) but the downside was sharing a room with your little sister who read it regularly. This made me stop writing for a while as it didn’t feel safe anymore. I would occasionally write and then rip them up or just start a journal she hadn’t seen.

When I got locked up I started writing again without much fear of it being read as having a roommate was a privilege I didn’t have or want. I remember telling Miss Jessica about my journal and why I write. She had a few suggestions.

She asked if I wrote stories or poems or if I just journaled. I had written stories, but never poems. I started reading more poetry that year and I also started writing some of my own. It was a completely different emotional release. I had over the years started to share some things I had written with close friends or even some family, but it was still mostly just for me.

Up until last year at the end of April when I started this blog.

I knew I was opening up my journal to a world of strangers. I was terrified and full of anxiety about it all. Most of all I wanted to do it. I wanted to give myself a chance to do something helpful to both others and myself and I wanted to give everyone else a chance to know they are not alone.

One year later and I have zero regrets about bringing light to all of these dark places with my story. I have no shame in handing you my journal and letting you see inside.

“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.”

― Shannon L. Alder