After spending weeks with that one little paperclip I found a peace that I had been missing.

My attitude had changed and I was less aggressive to those around me. I had become calmer both mentally and physically. My next appointment with Ms. Jessica had to have been disappointing for her as we seemed to have taken a dozen steps backward from where we were last.

I didn’t want to talk about Samantha or anything that had anything to do with her. She was still pissed at me and now it was worse as she has never been a fan of the self-mutilation I found so much comfort in.

So I decided to talk about that. The self-mutilation. Ms. Jessica was one of the best listeners I had ever been forced to talk to. She always listened and never gave feedback unless she knew I wanted it. As I began to talk to her about my cutting and how and when it started and why she just listened.

We talked about why it was not a good way to cope with things. As she listed off all the alternative ways to cope with the crappy things in life I gripped my leg in just the right way so the pain shot right through me and she was none the wiser.

After our session, I went back to my room and added to my growing collection of scars with no hesitation at all. I remember thinking about how long it took my mom to find out about the cutting and knew that this time as long as I was careful I could get away with it just as easily as before.

I did miss my razor though. All I could seem to think about was a way to get it back. It didn’t take me long to come up with a plan.

“I can feel the hurt. There’s something good about it. Mostly it makes me stop remembering.”
― Albert Borris

About the Author

Brandy Clear is woman who has walked down some of the darkest paths life has to offer. She has taken a lot of these steps alone. As she has rebuilt her life and self she has made it her mission to be the light to as many people as she can. She wants no one to have to walk alone in the dark. She does not want to save you, she just wants to remind you that you are not alone.

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