WARNING: THIS POST WILL BE LONGER THAN MOST!
The above date was the date of my very last post. The last day where I had found enough mental strength inside myself to get up, make coffee and sit down in front of the computer and tell you all a story.
The days following are mostly manic chaos for no one other than myself and to be honest, some really good things took place in that time as well.
At the end of the summer, things had started to change and not all of them were good changes. I had left a job that I had spent a lot of time and energy on. I poured my all into my work and a few of the people but the environment had become toxic to me and I had to leave. The way I left was something I had never done before and I had so many mixed emotions about what and why I had decided to make this change.
My boyfriend and most of my family absolutely supported my decision to leave my job and find something better. So the hunt began. I did not find a new job quite as quickly as I would have liked and this caused me to fall farther into that manic low I try so hard to avoid, even though in all reality I wasn’t out of work that long just a few weeks.
Just like things always do eventually everything fell into place and I found a job. Super close to home, more money and in the very field, I am so good in. I was so lost in the darkness that the first few weeks were rough. I didn’t think I liked it and I wanted to quit. I was frustrated and had a million reasons why. One of my biggest complaints was going from full time to part-time as I hate being stagnant.
At this same time issues came about within my NA meetings and as I will not go into detail all I will say I the result of said issues was the shutting down of the Clear Minds homegroup. This event caused my heart to break as I had worked my ass off to start that meeting and I had done all the work on my own and so farther into the dark I crawled.
As all of this was happening I was going through a friend breakup…with someone I considered one of the best. I felt like I was losing my grip on everything so I tried to force out the manic low and ignite a manic high. I set a new blog schedule I blocked out the bs with the lost friendship and focused on work.
Just as early as I complained about the lack of hours I was offered a fulltime position. I was being appreciated for the work I was putting in and being openly validated. My General Manager spent just a month working with me and had seen what I was capable of and wanted to reward me for all of my hard work and that felt amazing.
Just as things seemed to be settling there would be another bump. Things would come up at every turn, just one thing after another and in the short distance just around the bend at the end of the hill was the holidays. I was overwhelmed and beyond stressed. I shut down. I stopped writing and not just here in my personal journal as well. I haven’t picked up a book in ages.
I got up, went to work, cooked cleaned and went to bed. It was all I had space for. As the holidays got closer things just seemed to get more out of control. I had become so focused on all the negative that I let the holidays past me by without enjoying them.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want out of this new decade and it is to fall in love with life again. I know that bad things happen and rough patches are not things easily avoided but I do know that I do not have to let the darkness swallow me up as I have these past few months.
I can deal with the bad as it comes in the ways that are needed at the time and then I can release it and move on. I plan to spend this year rebuilding things that 2019 broke in me.
This website, My outreach, my overall self. All of it. I am going to get back to where I want to be and build upward from there. I am sorry for going MIA for so long but please remember I too am only human and was in serious need of self saving and recharge.
I will begin as I left off with the Monday Wednesday Friday schedule for posting. There will be new things coming and somethings changing but these are still a works in progress so I will keep you all up to date as things are happening.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, a Blessed Yule and are Happy New Year! as always thank you for your continued love and support ❤????
“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”
― Gerard way