That cab ride seemed to go on forever while the driver asked too many questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
Getting home felt hazy and numb. I remember bypassing my roommates with a grumbled “I’m tired” as I went right to my room shut the door and just cried. The emotions were at an all time high and the chaos inside me seemed to have no end.
I remember calling my mom and telling her I wanted to see her. Now see my roommate panicked when I was rushed to the hospital the day I gave birth and called my mother so she showed up at the hospital. I lied to her and told her I miscarried. I didn’t really have a good reason to lie. I was scared and everything was so fresh I just couldn’t deal with it and I knew how she would react. So I lied.
I couldn’t keep the lie up long especially after I got there and she told me how she thought I lied and had a still birth. I told my little sister first. She was angry that I lied and demanded I tell our mom. I did. She was angry and felt so betrayed. She didn’t understand why I didn’t trust her enough to not only tell her but to let her raise my son at this point she was already raising my first born. She was so angry that she stopped talking to me.
At this point the only people I had around me on a regular basis were my fellow addicts. I had lost what little I had left and I was drowning in this sea of emotions I couldn’t explain to anyone. I felt so trapped inside this dark thing that I struggled to find the beauty in what I had done.
“If you love someone unconditionally and with your whole heart, than you will do what is best for them not you.”