I wasn’t sure I wanted to write about this, it got to me in a way I wasn’t really ready for but a few people and my heart told me I should.
I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this may be triggering for some as this is about my being confronted with my own DOC triggers, so please continue with self-care.
About a week ago ( could be two at this point I’m a slacker and took forever to write this), I was at work taking out the trash and cleaning up the lot during our slow hour.
I walked across the parking lot and spotted what I thought was trash, little did I know I was about to be confronted with intense temptation.
A temptation I hadn’t been face to face with like this in a really long time. One that took me but a second to realize was still a very real and very dangerous temptation.
I walked over and glanced down to discover a couple of bags of Heroin and a few packaged needles. I had already begun to bend down to reach for it as I was expecting trash.
I froze, in this half-bent-over position just staring for what felt like forever. I could feel my insides shaking as the addict in me began to stir.
The addict; oh man was she a little excited, there was a moment where I thought about picking it up and putting it in my pocket. I won’t lie, as much as it sucks to have to say it especially so far down my road to sobriety it’s the real truth behind addiction and recovery.
It was within my reach, and no one would ever know, not until it was too late anyway. Ugh, the thoughts of an addict.
I have had moments where I thought about it, like really thought about how badly I think I miss that high. This time, it was different. This time it could actively become more than just a thought.
The fact that I was even thinking these things was enough to make me remember how easy it is to lose the sobriety I have worked so hard for.
The panic and anger kicked in and mixed in with the unsettling desire; my mouth watered; I threw up.
Shaking, and uneasy I went inside to talk to my boss and was completely open and honest with her about what I found and how I was feeling. What I was thinking and how it made me feel to even think that way.
I needed to tell someone; I needed to hold myself accountable and to be honest she is more than just my boss, she is my friend and I knew that I could talk to her without feeling judged or shamed.
We made sure everything was discarded appropriately. She took some time to talk to me and make sure I was okay. Not once did she shame me or give me the ” You’ve been clean for so long it can’t be that hard at this point” bullshit and I couldn’t have been more grateful to her in that moment.
I took a few minutes to gather myself, and back to work, I went.
I spent a lot of the day thinking about the whole situation and how quickly it could have gone the other way.
How quickly I could have watched almost 18 years of hard work slip away.
Addiction is a lifelong fight.
There is always going to be an urge or temptation, and as I have been so intensely reminded, sometimes they are strong and can rattle your soul.
This is just par for the course. The important thing is how you respond to said urges and temptations.
Hold yourself accountable, and remind yourself of how incredibly hard you worked to get where you are.
Hold on to the freedom of sobriety like your life depends on it because it does.
Sobriety is never owned, it’s rented, and rent is due every dayUnknown