As you have noticed things have been a little quiet over here, and for that I am only a little sorry. You guys taught me early on that I shouldn’t apologize for needing time for things outside of this site, and I am so grateful. I still however let me get to me a bit and so I still have a small level of guilt when I go silent.
I have been struggling a lot lately. I don’t really have a reason seeing as life is going just fine. Work is going well busy and a little stressful some days but it’s going well. Travus and I are doing great and loving every bit of being married. I say “My husband” as often as possible. The kids and the rest of the family are all doing well but I feel like I have lost all of my dopamine.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened but it’s been bad lately. All the things I love to do and that typically feed me the dopamine I need just aren’t doing it.
This can be for a bunch of reasons. Am I depressed? Well, yeah I mean I am always depressed on some level about something (Thanks BPD). Is it just a BPD thing…am I just slipping? Is it not me at all? Is Sam spending more time in the front than I am realizing? How much time can I not account for? Am I missing time or do I just smoke too much these days?
This is the list of questions I run through ( with a few left out for space’s sake) when I get like this. I know it can be one of them all of them or none of them. It’s like a really shitty game of guess who mental health edition.
In these times my suicidal thoughts and ideation can get very intense. In the past, this would lead to a bathroom visit with a razor blade to ease the pain a little. I spent so long listening to how suicide isn’t an option, so self-harm was an easy substitute.
I am one of those suicidal people who stays for the people around them and so when I get bad and really start thinking about it I think about those people and guilt myself into staying which opens doors to other issues but none the less we don’t do the bad thing and no one but me is sad.
Then sometime over this past year, I had a conversation that not only validated my feelings but made me look at suicide differently in the moment of ideation.
The words said to me were this “Suicide is absolutely an option the real question is is suicide the BEST option?”. Now for someone like me who has severe suicidal Ideation/thoughts almost anything can put in in the I want to die mindset.
So hearing that made me really think about it. In a way, I hadn’t before.
This way of thinking has taken the guilt out of it. It has helped remove the negative things that I stir up when I do guilt myself. Now I just have to think about what the best option is. It’s helpful in a strangely calming way…
It hasn’t stopped the thoughts and feelings but it helps and for me, that is a win.
The scariest thing of all is never knowing what you’re suddenly going to believe.
—Neal Shusterman
