It took about 6 days after the dismantling of the razor before I actually used it.
For a time just knowing it was there was good enough to calm me but eventually I needed more than just knowing it was there. The first time I waited until shower time as it was the least interrupted time of the day, the other was night shift but that all depended on who the night staff was that night.
When it was my turn to head in for a shower I took all the things I normally would and hidden just inside my cheek was the only thing I wanted. I spent the same amount of time in the shower so nothing seemed off. The first thing I did when I get behind the curtain was drag the blade as hard as I could across my leg just below my hip bone.
That familiar warmth ran down my leg as the calmness overtook me. I few more deep cuts and I was content. I finished my shower as normal and went off to my room as though nothing was different. I took an old headband (the cloth kind) and used it to keep the tissues in place so the bleeding wasn’t noticed.
That night I went to bed calmer than I had in what felt like forever. Sleep and I still weren’t friends but some nights it came easier than others and this was one of those nights.
For days after that, I felt great. Things inside me had calmed down so much and I was so thankful. I went about my days as normal well loving the calmness inside me.
As usual, as the cuts healed and the pain faded the calmness lessened as well. The chaos of me slowly started to rise up. As this was not something I was ever quick at controlling I once again let it swallow me.
I soon found myself back in the manic state of rage I still had no control over.
I wouldn’t take long for that uncontrolled manic to draw attention to all things I was trying to hide.
“The marks humans leave are too often scars.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
