I never really fit into the mold of what people that I should be, because of this I have been a huge disappointment time and time again to the people around me.
As a kid when I would do something wrong and or let my mom down in some way my first comment to her was usually “I’m sorry I’m not more like them” (referring to my sisters). She always responded with “I don’t want you to be like them I just want you to do better”(try harder, behave what ever fit the crime that time). As a kid I didn’t believe that for a second.
Compared to my sisters I was horrible. We were nothing alike. I wasn’t as good in school. We didn’t (always) like the same music, I had like zero friends. I was a terror at home and in the world in general. They we good (mostly).
As I got older the disappointment I brought to others would sit with me longer than it sat with them. I would slip into this mindset of not being good enough and stay there for what seemed like forever.
I quickly started to dislike everything I was. I hated that nothing ever made me as happy as it made other people. I couldn’t stand that fact that I sucked in school and had no friends. I would spend so much time comparing myself to my sisters and wanting to be “perfect” like them.
For years anytime I didn’t measure up even if I was the only one that thought I wasn’t measuring up my go to was always “I wish I was perfect like my sister”. My mom would get so mad at me for it too. Telling me how which ever sister I was focused on being like at the time was far from perfect, reminding me of the times they had screwed up.
Their screw ups though they were never as bad as mine. They just slipped and never fell, at least I didn’t see them fall. I had no idea where to find all those traits my sisters shared inside myself, they just weren’t there.
I didn’t stop looking for them for a long time. I spent a HUGE part of my life (Well into adulthood) looking for the perfection of my sisters inside myself and grew more and more unbalanced when it was no where to be found.
“Don’t spend all of your time trying to FIND yourself. Spend your time CREATING yourself into a person that you’ll be proud of.” -Sonya Parker