I always had an overflow of emotion when I would experience it. No matter if the emotion was good or bad there was always too much of it. Even when I was numb and emotionless it seemed to be in abundance.
I can recall times where I would become overjoyed at something that was simple and didn’t really require the over the top joyful reaction I had to it. I know it sounds odd stating that you feel to much of something positive but I did and still do at times. It does tend to earn you a look now and again but for the most part people don’t look down on you for being too happy.
When the overflow of emotion was negative my response the the situation was never good. I have always had a hard time with emotion and learning how to control them and my actions. As I got older this problem didn’t get better it just got worse. I would become too sad or too angry and wouldn’t be able to shake it for what felt like eternity.
In these moments I would find myself falling into the darkness inside me. I hated that place. It could engulf me and hold me captive with no effort, however the amount of effort it took me to climb out was exhausting.
The more often I found myself falling into the dark the more comfortable I got letting myself stay there. At some point I began to think that if I didn’t fight it and I just let it run its course it would be easier to climb out of. It was just pass like a storm.
That kind of darkness doesn’t pass like a storm. If you sit still in it for too long it begins to grow roots like a tree. It begins to make itself at home taking over everything with a graceful control, and total disregard of the damage it is causing.
The worst part however was when I realized the darkness was me.
“I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.” ― Nicole Lyons
