We all find ways to cope and comfort ourselves when times call for it. Not all of these ways are understood by those around us nor are they always safe and or in our best interest but we all find ways.
As I hit my teenage years my mental health status was at an all time low. I hated everything and every one. Nothing was ever right and happiness just wasn’t something I did well. I was good at faking it though, when the time called for it. I discovered young that I wasn’t like everyone else. My brain didn’t work the same as everyone else’s so sometimes faking it was something that just had to be done.
It wasn’t just happiness I was bad at. I was just bad at feelings in general. I took everything in and it instantly turned to hate and anger. To be honest I was bad at most things that others seemed to handle with ease. I did my best to fake it to be more like those around me, never with much success. I soon was full of either rage or nothing all the time. It didn’t matter what I did or who I was around nothing was okay and if I wasn’t mad at the world I was empty and numb.
The first time I ever cut myself it was an accident. I was mad at someone for something and I was throwing things around my room. As I grabbed the scissors off the dresser and tossed them I cut my hand and it hurt. I paused.
It hurt. I felt something, something that wasn’t nothing or unexplained rage. I was amazed at the stinging pain and the warm drops of blood that filled my palm and I sat down on the floor calm and relaxed. Two more feelings I hadn’t felt in a long time. I just let the emotion take over and enjoyed every second of it while it lasted. As the pain started to subside so did the feelings.
From every wound there is a scar,
and every scar tells a story.
A story that says,
I survived
-Unknown
Your willing to open up to people in this way is amazing. Your voice helps others explain things they couldn’t.
For someone who has personally experienced this sensation… it’s not easy to talk about… growing up was extremely difficult for me. I was way too young to know most of the things I did.. my mom was never to blame. She did absolutely nothing wrong… it was ME… I used to have night terrors, and panic attacks in my sleep that started when I was 4 or 5… I was anxious 24/7.. this was one of the only ways to calm myself… something like this is never easy to explain to a loved one. Thank you for sharing to open the eyes and ears for people who haven’t experienced this.
It took me a very long time to be able to comfortably talk about this but it is so important for those who have not experienced such a situation to understand from the veow of someone who has it’s also very important for those who understand this to know they are not alone.
You are incredible for sharing this. It’s never easy to talk about, and most people won’t. Thank you for being you and for breaking the silence.
No need to thank me this is my mission I want nothing more than for those suffering to know they aren’t alone and those unaffected to see the truth.