When you want so bad for someone to listen to you try to understand but you can’t find a way to explain any of what your thinking or feeling. You then find yourself trapped within yourself , most times that’s the worst place to be.
As I got older talking about the way I felt and why became a daily struggle, no matter if it was to a peer or my mom or the many shrinks I had sat with. I quickly became very good at telling people what they wanted to hear.
I found it easier to just act out. I had grown violent at home and defiant in school. Lying, stealing, hitting, you name it and I was probably doing it. At the end of the day I would find myself locked inside this dark corner of my mind thinking the worst things of everything and everyone.
I found solace in that darkness. A form of comfort. I let it consume me and I just stayed there. I thought about hurting myself and others regularly and as scary as it should have seemed it was normal for me at that point. I had no positive feelings toward anything but oh could I fake it.
I was a great actress. I could make you believe almost anything if I tried hard enough. Plus if I acted happy and good no one would ask all those questions I couldn’t answer.
I would often retreat to that dark place solely for comfort and peace it became my best friend in a world full of enemies.
“You are not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness”