I have been spiraling lately. It hasn’t been fast and all-consuming like normal. It’s been slow and torturous.
The hardest part has been that I am self-aware enough that I could see it coming. I called it early on and I had a mini meltdown and then moved on. Things have started to fall into place in some areas and to be honest, it isn’t everyday life that is bad. It’s me.
It’s my thoughts and feelings that are bad. Some days I feel empty and out of place. I feel like I am not good enough and at any moment my husband my home and my family will all just be gone. On other days I am so full of anger I can’t seem to focus on anything else but I can’t find an actual reason for the anger so then everything and everyone makes me angry.
I have these moments where just the sound of my own breathing is too much, the lights are too bright and my skin doesn’t fit just right I then end up on a thought loop of not being sure if I even exist.
I feel like I am in the in-between of fully being here and hard disassociation, I’m missing time some days (Hey Sam) not days worth of time but hours.
I find myself being unsure if my thoughts and feelings are valid or if it’s just my mental health. Now please understand I know some of you are like “All your thoughts and feelings are valid” and in most cases that is true.
Not here though, a lot of the time they aren’t valid or real. They are things that I planted inside of myself over some trigger or another.
I also understand that my triggers are my own and my responsibility to deal with and that is absolutely true.
The thing is I am a human and so perfection every time isn’t going to happen but I am also a mentally ill human which means my lack of control over things like my triggers can be dangerous not only for me but for the people I love.
Today I let my mental health get the best of me. The outcome was what one would expect when being insane.
Today I wasn’t strong enough to keep my demons at bay.
It’s a hard defeat because it feeds those unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
I am lucky to have a therapist who is amazing and quick to answer a call at 9 pm on a Wednesday (Hey Caitlin!) and help me look at things in a more rational light. I can’t thank her enough for being well honestly for just being her. Thank you.
My husband is more patient and forgiving than even he knows. I know that I was not a good wife today. I wasn’t even a good friend today. That man still kissed me goodnight and told me he loves me before going to bed.
I know he was hurt and frustrated and even a little angry with me today and I understand why; if the roles were reversed I can’t say I would have handled the night the same way he did. I am sorry and I love you so much.
Today I was the toxic one. Today I was the hurtful and mean one. Today I was the problem.
“One need not be a chamber to be haunted, one need not to be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place.” – Emily Dickinson
