I have never been one to do things quietly, so why should this be any different?

I tried to come up with a few reasons not to do this in this way, but honestly, the more I thought about it, the less I felt you deserved any slack in this whole ordeal, and this is about me, not you, so here we are.

I spent years and years wanting to be just like you. The perfect sister, the best daughter, the favorite grandchild.

It wasn’t until years later that I started to see all the things I was blind to as a kid, all the things everyone else would point out but I didn’t want to see. At the time, I didn’t care about any of that after years of wishing; I was finally getting to build a relationship with my big sister. I was going to have that sister bond I thought I needed so bad.

So you weren’t as perfect as I thought, but let’s be honest, no one ever is. When we first started to talk again, you called me because one of the boys was sick and he wanted me to come to the doctors with y’all all and it was late at night, so who else were you going to call? I remember that car ride to the hospital with the boys so clearly, as you told me about the current affair you were having, like it was last week’s baseball practice.

In that moment, I wasn’t judging you; I was just listening and getting to know the sister I never bonded with. That was my first look at the not-so-perfect parts of you, and I still didn’t walk away. You went back home, and we went back to occasional phone calls and video chats. Those calls got few and far between, and centered around you and your life just like they had with everyone else.

Then, suddenly out of nowhere, our family got turned upside down when I was diagnosed with cancer. The calls and the video chats picked right back up, and I was so wrapped up in trying not to die that I never once saw the selfishness in what you were doing.

We all know the cancer story and how that all played out, so there is no need to revisit all that.

Our relationship continued to grow as I got healthy, and I was so in love with the bond I thought we had built. Those who came before me tried to tell me this wasn’t what I thought it was and that I was going to end up hurt in the end.

I didn’t listen, and I packed up the parts of my life that would fit into your minivan and left everything else behind and moved 1200 miles so that you would have family close by. I left all I had ever known, so you didn’t feel so alone as you tried to rebuild your life and home.

That life-changing move was supposed to benefit us both. It did to a point. I got to build an indestructible bond with my nephews and newfound family down there. That in itself made the 11 months in your home worth it.

You definitely got the better end of the deal, tho. You no longer had to worry about who was going to cook, clean, or do homework. Hell, at one point, you didn’t even have to worry about showing up to your job because I would just cover your shift.

I lost a bit of respect for you when I realized you had no motivation to do better. At first, that’s what I thought it was, you know, lack of motivation. So I tried to get you moving, cleaning up little things here and there, because girl, the way you were allowing your family to live was just not okay at all.

I will spare you the embarrassment of the details; we both know what I am talking about.

I went as far as removing myself from the common living area, thinking it would make you want to do the same, you know, get out of that box. So I cleaned out the ENTIRE inside of that house and made sure I was available for those men to be able to come in and make your home livable.

You still REFUSED to move yourself and your family in. It broke my heart and made me so angry. Then I had to watch you take all of my hard work and just refill it with all of your trash. Having every excuse in the book as to why it can’t be cleaned up and managed.

I remember being mindblown at the amount of laziness inside your body.I just couldn’t understand how you could see all the things around you that could be done and ignore them. At home and at work.

It just got worse the longer I stayed. It went from one shit show to another, and you would just blame everyone around you, completely ignoring that the common denominator was you.

The final straw for me when it came to us sharing space was the last affair. At first, I was convinced that woman had manipulated her way into your head, and I really believed it after she came clean about having a brief thing with your husband. The things that took place after that got me concerned about your mental health, and I expressed that.

When I left, it was a little easier to distance myself from your bullshit, but the problem was that when you called, it was all you wanted to talk about, and so I took some space and minded my own business. I didn’t call or text, but I didn’t ignore you.

When you came up here and had that heart-to-heart with mom and realized shit was a little more torn than you thought, I really thought you would go home and do the right things. For a second, you started to, and I don’t know what happened, and honestly, at this point, I don’t care.

I will NEVER forget the absolute terror and panic in that woman’s voice when she called me begging for help because you were losing your mind, going on and on about killing yourself. She and I both know all too well what those thoughts and feelings feel like for real, and she was so scared for you.

The moment I heard your voice in the background and the way you were carrying on, I knew this was you being a drama queen and using her triggers to your advantage.

The second time, she didn’t call me until after it was all over, and our mother told her to call the law. You were already on your way to the loony bin.

How dare you use something so serious to get attention? You had no problem screaming about all the pills you took just to change your story the second the law showed up.

What did it for me was the harassment you dished out to everyone who would answer your calls from the hospital.

Telling the woman you “love” how horrid she is and how much you hate her, all while needing her to do all of the things for you.

Calling your mother to tell her you will never speak to her again because she did the right thing, because she acted like a mother should in that situation?

Oh, but I know you, Amanda. If she hadn’t done what she did, you would just tell everyone how she doesn’t care if you are alive or dead, and use that as proof.

That was the moment I blocked you from EVERYTHING. No hesitation at all. In that moment, I realized you were more of a danger than an asset, and I can’t have that. I have fought too hard to get to where I am, and I am not going backwards.

You are the embodiment of a narcissist. You claim to have no one, but YOU did that. You have sisters you cut off for no reason other than it didn’t benefit you to include them in your life. You have two nieces and five nephews, about whom you know NOTHING. I don’t think you could even tell me one of their birthdays.

And none of it makes you sad, until you think you can use it to get what you want at the time, and then you just blame everyone else and play the victim.

You are not a victim, Amanda, but you have definitely created a few.

I know this is supposed to be where I wish you the best and tell you I believe one day you will do better and we will grow, and I will forgive you, but this isn’t that.

I do not wish you the best. Honestly, I don’t think you will ever change, and I am not convinced there is any help available for you; and well, we all know I am not the forgiving type.

Like all my other posts, I end this with a quote. One that took me a while to settle on, but I feel says it perfectly.

“Sisters are supposed to be a haven, but all she offered was a battlefield.” – Charlotte Brontë