I have spent a lot of my life feeling unheard or like I’m a bother when I let things out.
This happens with all kinds of things. Big things, little things.
It can be extremely deflating when it is something I am happy or excited about. In the moment I am full of joy ready to tell someone all about why and then I just get a bleak response or they start to talk about something else like what I said just then didn’t matter.
When I am feeling negative and need to get it out and the response I get is as described above it is overwhelmingly frustrating.
It heightens my negative feelings. I still feel the weight of all the shit I wanted to get out because it didn’t go anywhere. I absolutely hate feeling dismissed it causes so much inner turmoil that my first response is to pull back and shut down. It’s also something I have a hard time communicating to people that have made me feel that way. When trying to explain why I am upset I always feel crazy or selfish or like I am too much.
All of this causes me to not want to talk about things or be short in my sharing. To be completely honest with you and me, shutting down tends to be my first response to most situations that bring me negative feelings. The problem then becomes lack of communication which just causes more issues.
I am the first person to stand up and say that communication is key to life, but also have serious issues communicating. Most of them are because I have a very hard time putting my feelings and thoughts into words that make sense of how I feel. I know I have talked about this once or twice in the past but it has been a lifelong issue of mine that I still have to this very day.
I am a terrible talker (unless I am on a rant) but I am an amazing listener. I love to hear all about the things that excite those around me. The things they are proud of or working for. I also want to hear the bad and help in any way I can even if helping is just me listening to you get it all out and then talking shit with you for 30 mins. So when I don’t get the same from people it hurts, a lot.
I am 100 percent that person who constantly expects me from everyone else. I know I shouldn’t. I feel like what I am seeking in others isn’t a lot to ask though so it becomes a constant struggle between say something and stay quiet.
I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.
Kahlil Gibran
