I have this super unhealthy habit of taking emotions and experiences I have no desire to deal with and tossing them into my internal black hole and carrying on.
It’s something I have done for as long as I can remember. Anything that feels like too much or is too painful/heavy; I toss it into the dark hole that just chills in the dark parts of my mind ready to take anything I don’t want.
The trouble with my black hole is the shit doesn’t actually go away forever. Eventually, it finds its way back to the surface. Those are my moments where I have to decide if I am going to deal with the issues or if I’m gonna toss it back in and try again later.
I won’t lie I typically go for the latter.
I’m a sucker for pain; especially self-induced pain.
Some of the things in there have been tossed and re-tossed so many times I’m not at all surprised when they pop back up.
Others have been in there long enough or come back up enough times that I finally deal with it and get over it for real.
Some have been addressed and dealt with by force but there are fewer of those. The one thing I can say about the people in my life is that for the most part, they have never forced me into healing, in any way including getting clean. It’s all been at my pace.
The big black space where I throw all my trauma isn’t as considerate though. It likes to toss things out at the most inopportune times. Usually, while I am struggling with other things. This is why and how most of the things end up back in time and time again.
Sometimes the new things I throw in there are closely related to some of the old and they team up to get out. Occasionally successful which is a whole other post.
Mostly they gather together close to the opening just to remind me that they are still there. Still watching, waiting to make their move on my sanity.
When you spend so long trapped in darkness, you find that the darkness begins to stare back.
-Sarah J. Mass
